How to …Be a More Effective Parent in Nine Easy Steps

Raising children, of any age, is one of the toughest jobs in the world.  Unfortunately, we can feel unprepared for the task.  So, here are some simple, practical ways to feel more effective and fulfilled as a parent and enjoy your children more in the process.

1. Nurture your Child’s Self Esteem.  You have the most influence over your children than anyone else in his world. However, try to not get caught up in the “good job” syndrome.  Praise your child for his accomplishment, identify the accomplishment, let them know they are “listening well, thank them for cleaning up their toys, etc.  This will make him feel proud, let him do things for himself, this will make him feel capable and independent. Choose your words cautiously when reprimanding your children.  Let them know that you love him even while letting him know that everyone makes mistakes and that you don’t love his behavior, but you love him.
2. Catch your Child Being Good.  One piece of advice I always tell people is to try to drop the “No” that seems to start every sentence we speak.  Try to stop yourself from criticizing more than complimenting.  Notice when they have made their bed, fed the dog, being patient, anything can be noticed.  This will beget more of the behaviors that are desired.
3. Set Limits and be Consistent with your Discipline.  Discipline is necessary.  The goal of discipline is to teach children to choose acceptable behaviors and learn self-control.  Children may test the limits you give them, but they need them to grow to be responsible adults. Be clear on all rules.  Put a system into place to reinforce those rules, follow through with appropriate consequences.  Be consistent, be quick, don’t wait to give consequences; a time out can be given anywhere as long as your child is safe and in view.  If you wait to give consequences until you get home, a young child will forget what happened and why he is being disciplined.
4. Make Time for your Children. Children crave and need our attention.  Sometimes any attention will do, including negative attention.  To head that off before it happens, set aside time to be present for them.  Wake up a few minutes early to have breakfast, take a walk after dinner, make a special date, or just make eye contact and talk/play with them.  You would be surprised at how 15 minutes of uninterrupted time with you can stop your children from feeling needy and may curtail whining.
5. Be a Good Role Model.   Children learn how to be in the world by watching us.  We need to show them by our actions how we want them to be. The younger they are the more cues they take from you. Before you lash out, take a breath to think if this is how you want him to behave when he is angered or upset? Model the behaviors you wish to cultivate in your children: honesty, kindness, caring.  Make sure they catch you being good too.  Do things to help others without expecting a reward.  Treat your children the way you expect other people to treat you. 
6. Make Communication A Priority. We can’t expect our children to do everything because “I told you so”. Children deserve explanations; this helps children understand our values and motives. Expectations need to be clear though.  Explanations should be simple, clear and age appropriate. If there is a problem, describe it to your older child and work together for a solution. 
7. Be Flexible and Willing to Adjust your Parenting Style. Children are constantly growing and changing and our parenting style needs to grow and change as well. If you find yourself saying “no” too often, or frequently feel “let down” by your child’s behavior, maybe you need to examine your expectations.  It may be helpful to read more on the issue, or talk to other parents.   However, at any age, children need guidance encouragement and appropriate discipline while allowing your child to earn more independence.
8. Show that Your Love is Unconditional.  As a parent we are responsible for guiding our children.  However, how you express your corrective guidance makes all the difference in how your child   receives it. Avoid blaming, criticizing, or faultfinding which undermine self-esteem.  Trey to nurture and encourage even when you re disciplining our child.  Make sure he knows that while you want and expect him to do better next time, you love him all the time.
9. Be aware of your own Needs and Limitations.  We are all imperfect parents. Just as our children grow and their needs change, our parenting skills need to do the same. We have strengths and weakness.  Recognize your abilities:  “I am loving and a good listener”, strive to work on your weaknesses: “I need to be more consistent with discipline.”  Take time out when you need it, ask for help.  Focusing on your needs does not make you a bad parent, or selfish.  It means you care about your own well-being, which is another important value to model for your children.